TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But yes, sure, let's have A further position exactly where American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Anyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a function remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may also include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have flip-down provider."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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